Sunday, February 9, 2014

week 1 funk. {low iodine diet}

life is all about balance.

one day, you are walking on sunshine, riding high, rocking your day.  a few days later, you're just in a funk.  i feel like so much lately, this blog has been a dumping ground for my sorry emotions.  i used to write about lots of happy things.  and there still are lots of happy things going on.  it's just that the sad things and the overwhelming things and the emotional things are taking charge right now.  i've had a whole lot on my mind, and need the space to fill it.  and that happens so much here.  because i can write more than i can say.  it's somehow easier when it comes out on paper.

the week started out rough.  days 1 & 2 on this low iodine diet were pretty tough.  i was so afraid that i would unconsciously cheat and eat something i'm not supposed to, thus ruining my scans and treatment, that i panicked and had nightmares about it.  thankfully i didn't.  days 3 & 4 got a little better as i got more into a groove, but wow, does this require planning.  i can't just grab something convenient if i'm hungry.  if i didn't pack it in my snacks or lunch for the day at work, i can't bank on the fact that it's safe.  so i overpacked, and felt prepared.

day 5 and the weekend were way better in terms of food.  but to balance that, i've had the sads since friday.  i feel like i've had a dark cloud hovering since, not so much as to pour down every minute, but to let loose here and there when least expected.  maybe it was because i realized how very close to this treatment i am getting, increasing my nerves and making my mind wander to the ever-so-slight possibility that this thing has spread.  maybe because i have less than a week now with my girls before i have to leave them (in very loving, capable and amazing daddy hands) for up to 3 weeks.  maybe because being in this hypo state can cause very dark mental and emotional feelings.  maybe because i'm scared and right now i just feel like i'm waiting in limbo.

since it's late and i'm pretty tuckered, and i'm certain i'm rambling with little sense or organization to what i'm typing, i'm writing this in list format...

what i've learned this week and what i'm thankful for...

*this afternoon, nana and papa took the girls to lunch, a play and to get ice cream, and that allowed michael and i several hours to finally finish hanging pictures and wall hangings upstairs, as well as the huge undertaking of purging and organizing the stacks of paperwork in the office that we've been slowly chipping away at since we moved in.  this did wonders for my well being.  it's refreshing to walk in there now, not a headache.

*that friends often know what you need before you know what to ask for.  case in point...the homemade chicken bone broth hand delivered with a hug and the trio of chick flicks that arrived at my door this weekend, both courtesy of my dear friend, kellie.  the adult, fleece, ridiculous-on-purpose onesie feeted, zippered, mickey mouse pajamas sent via mail, courtesy of my college roommate, colleen.  the text message received on this sunday morning that 2 of my co-worker friends were cooking together, following the thyca cookbook online to make me tomato sauces and salsa and treats.

*that dried fruits, including mango, blueberries and mixed berries, are my savior and sweet tooth buster.  so is homemade raspberry sorbet, topped with toasted coconut.  butterfinger who?!

*that the coconut milk i thought was my saving grace because i could add it to my coffee turns out to not be due to an thickening ingredient that is made from seaweed, and thus, not allowed.  amazing what i've learned during this process.

*that unsalted matzo cracker pb&j's are actually pretty darn tasty.

*that store bought almond milk contains sea salt, but homemade does not, and that it is super duper easy to make, kind of fun, and pretty tasty.  this might be a regular thing in our household.

*from the girl who hates eggs came sunday morning breakfast of egg whites (no yolks allowed) + green and red peppers cooked in coconut oil, served alongside avocado slices and homemade multigrain bread, which when cooked by your husband, made a very filling and very satisfying breakfast.  and like i said, coming from the girl who hates the taste of eggs, that is a huge accomplishment.

*that a pretty decent no creamer substitute in black coffee is just a spoonful of raw honey.  surprisingly, pretty good.

*that both our meals yesterday, sesame chicken nuggets and black bean soup, would be repeatable.  the other dishes we made this week, not so much.

*that facetime sessions with your siblings hundreds and thousands of miles away does wonders for your soul, when you can ugly cry and not have to be ashamed or explain.

*that maybe teaching spinning 3 out of the last 4 days wasn't the best idea.  i'm wiped.  and achy, and i'm certain i can attribute some of that to spinning, but most to being hypo.  my aching wrists and fingers, for example.  not from my spin bike.

*that having support is huge.  after almost giving in to just a tiny bit of creamer in my coffee saturday morning, but admitting it to michael first, he gently offered up that he would much rather have the iodine treatment be of utmost effect and work the first time than for me to have creamer in my coffee.  even after i gently suggested that this was a low iodine diet and not a no iodine, he wasn't buying.  point taken.  he won.  and he was so right.  i can do this.  but having him behind me 110%, well, that takes the cake.  literally, because i can't have cake.

*that tiny little just knows all the right things to say and do.  i was crying this evening, and crosby came to ask what was wrong, gently climbed into my lap and told me she would "clean up my tears," as she wiped them away with her owl lovey, poppy.  later, as i laid in bed with her and thanked her for that, she asked "why were you crying?  who scared you?"  i laughed.  blast you tiny rain cloud over my head; i've got crosby on my side.

*that bigger little responds in her own way.  i told harper tonight, told her that mommy needed medicine to help get me better, and luckily i didn't have to be in a hospital, but that i would have to go away for a little while.  she said, "because you can't be around us girls?"  she knew, she had overheard my conversations somehow, as hushed as i had tried to keep it.  she was sad for a second when she realized i couldn't give her hugs and kisses every night, but i told her that daddy and nana would give her lots of extra hugs and kisses from me and that we could skype and facetime every day.  that lead to her making sure that it was safe to skype, making sure my meds couldn't affect her through the phone and we could get as close as we wanted over the video.  and then, when i thought she'd ask more questions about all this, she said "so am i busser or pick up tomorrow?"  this is harper.  she will process this and ask tons of questions throughout this week.  i had to give her an early heads up.  she hates last minute schedule changes and surprises.  she needs the time to think, to ask, to learn.  she needs this week to adjust.  but i know she will be ok.  they both will.

me i'm not quite certain yet.  but all i can do is continue to chug along, low iodine and hypo,  emotional, cold and tired.

and on that sorry, sad and pitiful note, off to slumber.  stick with me.  this blog is rocky and emotional right now, but the sun will shine soon.  very soon.  i can feel it.  happy sunday.


The Baileys : ) said...

Thank you for sharing this journey so bravely through your blog. I am offering up prayers for you and your girls especially as you prepare to spend some time away from them. Hang on to that glimmer of sunshine you see off in the distance, it will soon be getting bigger and have a huge cheering section rooting you on. Keep going...

AJ said...

I love reading your thoughts, happy or sad, depressing or joyful, and it's amazing that you can still have some energy left to write. Don't stop! In 30 years it will be so good to look back. Hang in there--so much love is coming to you from Pittsburgh. XOX