Sunday, April 11, 2010

i want it

i typically try to post at least once every 2-3 days. sometimes when there is a lot going on, i may post once a day. but to post twice in one day is rare. unless something's on my mind.

i've been in a funk the last few days. not sure why. perhaps it's the weather, and how i was really hoping that winter was behind us, but it came back through for a few more cold days. perhaps it's that our spring break is ending, and while i like working, i like staying home much more. perhaps it's because there seems to be so much to do in and out of the house, it's overwhelming.

saturday morning, i slept in. i don't do this anymore. harper typically wakes us between 6:30 and 7:30, and the day gets started. michael usually starts the coffee and feeds maximus, and i get to slowly open harper's bedroom door to find her waiting for us. she's either sitting, playing with her blankets and animals, or standing with her taggie singing songs and chatting away. i so look forward to that moment. the first sleepy smile of the day. the way she says "hi mommy" with her sweet little voice and scrunched up nose. the first smell of freshly washed hair from bath the night before. the way she holds onto her taggie and keeps her thumb in her mouth as i pull her out of the crib and only then, after her nappie is changed, will she throw it back into her bed with a "see ya later, taggie." those first sweet snuggles and nuzzles into my neck. those first yummy kisses. it's the best moment of the day. but, i let michael do this saturday morning. i just wanted to pull the covers back over my head and let the world go on without me for the day. we're sorry, the person you are trying to reach is unavailable at this time. please call back later. thank you.

my mind has been racing lately. i can't seem to focus on any one thing. i go from one end to the other and back again. there's lots slowing me down and cramping up my brain. money. time. energy. thoughts...

i want to take a nap. i'm not tired.
i want to go shopping for a few new clothing items. i want a new wardrobe.
i want to go for a run. i have no desire to run.
i want a clean house. i hate to do chores. i want a housekeeper.
i want a garden. i want a swingset. i want new landscaping.
i want michael to get things done outside. i want him inside helping me with housework and harper.
i want to blog. i want to read others' blogs. i want to waste my day looking through other people's windows into their lives.
i want to practice my photography. i want to be a photographer. i don't have the skills yet. it looks too hard to be a photographer.
i want to go back to work. i don't want to go back to work. i want to be a stay-at-home mom. i couldn't be a stay-at-home mom.
i want a new camera bag. i want a new lens. i want 2 new lenses.
i want a renovated kitchen. i want to move to a new house. i don't ever want to leave this cozy little home. the real estate market is terrible and we'll never be able to leave this house.
the office is covered with papers that need to be organized. the basement storage is overflowing. the toys are multiplying. i need to organize.
i want to be pregnant. i don't want a baby just yet. i want 2, 3, 4 kids. 1 would be fine.
i want to live on the beach. i like the snow once in a while.

{sigh} are you exhausted yet? wouldn't it be easier to be a millionaire and live in hollywood? well, on second thought, no. wouldn't it be easier when... if...

funk begone. go away. you are not welcome here anymore...

i found that when the blahs hit, it's best to turn up the ipod and dance in the kitchen. the second i push the on button and the music starts a-playin', harper runs in and throws her arms up to be picked up. and we spin. and we shuffle. and we jump. and we shimmy. we shake those blahs away. so that's what we did tonight. i needed to try and push this funk aside. i have a beautiful daughter to enjoy and soak up, you know.

well, still there, but a little less. it's amazing how just writing this down into nowhereland and out into computerworld makes it more manageable. it's off my brain for the most part and out there for you all to enjoy.

thanks for listening.


Kellie said...

Wonderfully honest post, Emily. I can relate. Thanks for sharing!

christina said...

this may be my favorite post of yours ever, because I can relate to every single point you made, with the notable exception of wanting to go for a run--pretty sure I've never had that desire :) And i love the candid photos, adorable. We are big into the kitchen dance parties too!