thorns

my recent posts have been about the positives, and the joys in our lives. and there are plenty of those. but i occasionally need reminders that life isn't always so perfect. life isn't always a big, beautiful bouquet of roses. sometimes there are thorns. and today, i found some.

i scheduled an appointment with harper's pediatrician for this morning. she's been congested for the last 2 weeks, and i've noticed it in her eyes more than before. she's also been more lethargic, grabbing her taggie and blanket and curling up with her thumb in her mouth even minutes after she wakes from a full night's rest. something just didn't feel right.

i've heard many times that you are blessed with mommy gut when you become a parent, and i've found that to be true. i was so glad i listened to my mommy gut today.

i had been putting off calling the doctor. putting off having to take her to the pediatrician's, knowing full well that she would cry the second we walked back to the exam rooms. she has a memory of this place, and it's not pleasant. but mommy gut took over, so we went. she was scheduled for an exam and also for 2 immunizations. but her lethargy was a big concern of mine. so, seconds before the pediatrician left our room, after she had already diagnosed her with an ear infection, my gut was kicked and i blurt out what about a blood test? she's never had one before. might that tell us anything? would you recommend it? the doctor looked at her computer, and saw that one would most likely be recommended at her 2 year appointment in july, but that it wouldn't hurt to do one now and rule out possible anemia as a reason for her lethargy.

harper was amazing during her procedures. she cried like you wouldn't believe, but she did not flinch once. not through her capillary blood draw from her finger, and not from her shots in her thighs. she inspires me in ways i never expect sometimes.

literally an hour later, the doctor's office called and informed me that harper's blood results were back. her cbc was normal, but her lead levels were elevated to higher than normal and expected. they wanted me to get a full venous blood draw. mommy gut.

my mind would not focus on the afternoon. it was all i could do to not watch the clock until 3:30 hit and i was off to pick her up and drive her back to the lab for more painful memories (for me). and again, my little soul showed no hesitation among her tears. she held her arm out for the nurse, accepting of what she was going to do, trusting that i had her best interest in mind, as i'm holding on so tightly to her. it was over in a few minutes. and she was easily redirected with suckers and stickers. me, on the other hand, can't be so easily distracted.

i've shed some tears today, fearful of what i don't know. we have to wait until we get the results. and this could all be for naught. could all be a false elevation. but that doesn't stop my mind from thinking the what ifs. in my mind, i've already hired a lead inspector, changed out her toys, wallpapered over the paint, moved houses. done anything i can for my precious baby girl.

when your heart goes walking around outside your body, you do anything you can to protect it. and i hope to be able to provide her with a gardenful of roses to land in.