right now

my heart is hurting.

my uncle is lying in a hospital in washington, d.c. in a coma, and they're not sure when or if he'll wake up. preliminary eeg results report back that there is likely some brain damage.

my heart is hurting for my cousin, katie, who had her baby boy merely 6 weeks ago and is struggling with learning how to manage a newborn and sleep, as well as her father's care.

my heart is hurting for my cousin, dave, who was with my uncle when he had his heart attack on the streets of d.c. they were on their way to witness a friend's ordination.

my heart is hurting for my aunt. for my mom. for all the people who've ever met my uncle.

my heart. oh, my little heart. it's in pain.

and i have to write about it. because otherwise it sits inside and festers. but i know if i put it out there, it's there. and i have to learn to manage it myself. i have to learn how to walk this path i wasn't expecting to be on.

last night, we had our first book club meeting. we read the book thief and talked about one of the main themes of the book paralleling with our real life, that the world and life is brutal and beautiful at the same time. i guess that's why i keep blogging. for as brutal as our days can be at times, there still is a lot of beauty. and i found myself opening up to this amazing group of women, half of whom i had met a mere 30 minutes earlier, and crying. because i felt i had support. i never thought that my first book club meeting would ever go like that. but it felt nice.

so this theme of brutal and beautiful had me thinking about my uncle's situation. he had never met collier. my aunt had been there soon after he was born and stayed for a few weeks, but my uncle just couldn't get away from work. she flew back home, and they then drove to d.c. together last week. they were driving in for collier's baptism that was last weekend. my uncle got to hold his first grandchild. but he never made it to the ceremony. and as brutal as this part of their life was, the baptism went on. because beautiful things exist in tragedy. beautiful things exist in brutal times. and beautiful collier had to be baptized. my family found something beautiful to hold onto in a time of complete pain. they found beauty in our faith to give us hope.

i have a small family, and we're all very close, so to have something happen to any one of us affects us all immensely. and all in different ways. i would give anything to be there. and i'm trying. but i also need to be there for her. and continue to make life beautiful for her.

'cause ultimately, she has my heart. and she can help to heal the pain.