Monday, September 3, 2012

stream of consciousness

i have come to learn, and accept, recently that i have self-diagnosed ADD.  it's hard not to when you're a mom in this fast-paced society.  when catching up with friends, i jump from topic to topic, question to question, and then kick myself when i can't remember what we were just talking about before being interrupted by something one of our kids' needs.  (it is also common practice for me to write down questions or items i know i need or want to talk about with a friend who i am going to see just so nothing gets forgotten.)  when writing out my to-do list, i have to have another list on the side for other thoughts that pop into my head.  when trying to clean up one room, i jump into another and start doing something there.  while trying to make dinner, i'll hop on my phone to read the e-mail that just came in (of which i know because i have a million different sounds for everything on my phone- text, facebook, e-mail, call, voicemail, instagram) and forget momentarily about the noodles boiling on the stove.  it drives michael nuts.  he always tells me to just finish what i'm doing, but it's just so difficult.

so trying to come up with the title of this post, or what to write about, was next to impossible.  me time. weekend update.  a long rambling post.  i decided to just stick with stream of consciousness, because sitting down, i had no idea what would come out in the end.

michael's family fantasy football draft is today, an annual event that he enjoys, and one we've gone to as a couple pre-kids, as a family or him solo.  he was planning to take harper, to play with her cousin mallory who'd be there.  he offered also to take crosby, and mommy guilt kicked in.  part of me wanted to just say it was ok to leave her home.  then my selfish side, which doesn't get tapped into often, spoke up and i agreed to let him take both girls.  i can't tell you the last time i was home alone, completely by myself, just my thoughts and the million things running through my head about what i would and should do with my time.

i probably should be napping, because that is most likely what my body needs, but it also needs to relish this alone time, so unless my eyes start to close on themselves, i'm pushing through the tiredness.  on the eve of the start of a busy school year, i am craving this quiet solitude.  tomorrow will launch a whirlwind of comings and goings.  harper will continue with swimming thursday nights, because our little fish has recently moved up to her 4th level in one year and we cannot bear to lose that momentum, or to give up favorite swim teacher, maggie.  she also just loves swimming.  harper has also said she wants to try dance class, so i signed her up for pre-ballet and jazz combo class monday nights.  we purchased her leotard and shoes last week, we've been practicing her required hair bun, and girl is anxious to let it loose.  and not wanting to focus too much on activities for the older sister, crosby will be in music class with nana thursday mornings, a tradition that started when harper was just 6 months old and went with nana.  i love the benefits that harper seemed to get from weekly music for 3 years, from her confidence in singing, making up her own words to songs, and playing anything as an instrument.  and i look forward to crosby benefiting in some of those ways as well.  besides those activities, the girls will also be in preschool and daycare 4 days a week, and home with nana one day.  i'm back to work full time after a fantastically hot and fun summer off.  michael is working like crazy, but thankfully home every evening, and not spending time studying or being in class.  this is harper's last preschool year before she begins kindergarten next fall.  and that?  well, i'm not talking about that just yet.

so what will i be doing?  i likely won't be answering texts or picking up phone calls, unless it screams emergency.  i have forbidden myself from throwing in a load of laundry, with the exception of harper's bed sheets from her accident at 4:30 in the morning that woke everyone in the house up and then kept us lying awake for the next hour.  i won't be running to the grocery store, even though i am in need of a few ingredients for the cake pops i'm making this week for auntie kelly's wedding shower saturday.  (but i probably will check instagram occasionally, because that is my one true addiction right now.)

i am sitting outside with coffee, freeing my brain from these words and thoughts that are muddling it up.  i hear only birds chirping, a few cars, the hum of the air conditioner, some new favorite tunes on my phone, and my fingers pecking at the keyboard.  i will likely make my way inside soon, to a haven that was cleaned yesterday (michael helped with that, too) and smells of my favorite pumpkin candle scent.  I will likely relish a long, hot shower.  

i'll be thinking of my girls.

my husband doesn't know, but he has given me an amazing gift the last 2 days.  he gave me the most precious me time.  2 spin classes between this and yesterday morning, a huge chunk of time to just be with myself today, and girlfriend time away last night to be with kellie, who as a now mama of 2 with a 4-year-old and an almost 6-week-old, was in major need of girl time.  that included margaritas on the rocks with a salted rim, licorice, cookie dough and chocolate chips, popcorn with lots of salt, the viewing of breaking dawn part 1 with lots of swooning during the edward scenes.  and i am so truly thankful and blessed.

and with that whole mess of randomness, i bid you adieu.  posts to come this week about our first day back to school, and our weekend with our sarah.


want a house update?  we had an accepted offer, made it through inspection and then the buyers backed out.  we were set to close september 10th.  right now, we are in the midst of countering another offer, which we think will likely not go through.  we debate and go back and forth between keeping it up or taking it down and trying again in the spring.  we're fine where we are if that's what is supposed to happen, but we're also itching to get into a new, bigger space.  whatever will be, will be, and i've learned to let go and let whatever happens, happens.  it's tough.  let's hope no one wants a showing today, because i am alone and i may just politely decline.


Kellie said...

I loved this post...u know I can relate to the lists!!! I don't think you have ADD - it's just what happens to us when we become mothers and have so much to do. Thanks for the fun visit last night! So grateful! Love you!

Sarah Elizabeth said...

So funny -- as I sat down to read this, I got so lost in it that I forgot I had noodles boiling on the stove. :) Not even married, much less a mommy, yet, and already I forget these things. Love you guys!