if they didn't

motherhood is a tough gig.  it's hard, and no one tells you how hard it is.  but the intense love and emotion that you feel when you become a mother is unlike nothing else.  it's powerful.  it's emotional.  it's amazing.  

when you look at your child, and your heart skips a beat, your breath is taken away for just a moment, you crack a smile while your eye tears up.  that's it.  that's what being a mother is all about.  that you would do anything for your child, no matter what the cost.

through my journey to motherhood, we have definitely had our ups and downs.  both of my girls are rainbow babies, meaning that we experienced a miscarriage before the pregnancy with each girl.  and as heartbreaking as those losses were, if they didn't happen, we wouldn't have our sweet, kind, big-hearted, artistic, creative, beautiful, loving harper elizabeth.

and we wouldn't have our funny, energetic, snuggly, spirited, takes-her-time, beautiful, loving crosby catherine.  

i thank God each and every day for bringing us these girls.  i truly don't know how different our lives would be without them.  and recently, they've been begging for a sibling.  it was never out of my mind to have more than two, but it took michael a bit more convincing.  until i was diagnosed with cancer, we had started to think about adding to our family, but then that bomb dropped and took a year off of our plans.  when i was finally given the all clear in february, we talked once more and decided that we would love one more little miracle. and it truly happened so fast.  i was pregnant within a month.  we were shocked and excited, and a whole lot of nervous.  i was due sometime in december, and while i initially did not want a winter baby, i was just starting to wrap my brain around how snuggly and cozy and peaceful it would be to enjoy the holidays with a new little love.  things seemed to be going well.  i saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks.  the nausea and tiredness kicked in.  the cravings were there.

but michael and i arrived for our 8-week appointment, and plans changed.  there was definite growth from the last ultrasound and a baby that looked in size right where it should be.  but there was no heartbeat.  all of our excitement came crashing down.  we were brought right back to that moment of our very first pregnancy before harper when we didn't see a heartbeat at 10 weeks.  my heart broke.

i didn't want to wait it out.  i scheduled a d&c for the next day.  but due to some miscommunication about when to stop eating before surgery, the procedure was cancelled and rescheduled for the next day.  michael and i also realized there were signs on the way to the first appointment that led us to believe it wasn't supposed to happen that day.  may 1st arrived, the procedure went as well as could be expected, and we are home.  a little sad, a little heartbroken, but home with our girls.

we have two beautiful rainbows that we get to see daily.  and we have deep faith and hope that another bright, beautiful rainbow will find its way to our family very soon.  for now, we look past the rain and enjoy the sunshine and bright days ahead.

thank you to all of our friends and family for your calls, texts, e-mails, thoughts, prayers, flowers, and help.  we couldn't have done it without it all.

and thank you to my beautiful friend, jenny, of peanut butter & jenny photography for the gorgeous family photos!