if they didn't

motherhood is a tough gig.  it's hard, and no one tells you how hard it is.  but the intense love and emotion that you feel when you become a mother is unlike nothing else.  it's powerful.  it's emotional.  it's amazing.  

when you look at your child, and your heart skips a beat, your breath is taken away for just a moment, you crack a smile while your eye tears up.  that's it.  that's what being a mother is all about.  that you would do anything for your child, no matter what the cost.

through my journey to motherhood, we have definitely had our ups and downs.  both of my girls are rainbow babies, meaning that we experienced a miscarriage before the pregnancy with each girl.  and as heartbreaking as those losses were, if they didn't happen, we wouldn't have our sweet, kind, big-hearted, artistic, creative, beautiful, loving harper elizabeth.

and we wouldn't have our funny, energetic, snuggly, spirited, takes-her-time, beautiful, loving crosby catherine.  

i thank God each and every day for bringing us these girls.  i truly don't know how different our lives would be without them.  and recently, they've been begging for a sibling.  it was never out of my mind to have more than two, but it took michael a bit more convincing.  until i was diagnosed with cancer, we had started to think about adding to our family, but then that bomb dropped and took a year off of our plans.  when i was finally given the all clear in february, we talked once more and decided that we would love one more little miracle. and it truly happened so fast.  i was pregnant within a month.  we were shocked and excited, and a whole lot of nervous.  i was due sometime in december, and while i initially did not want a winter baby, i was just starting to wrap my brain around how snuggly and cozy and peaceful it would be to enjoy the holidays with a new little love.  things seemed to be going well.  i saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks.  the nausea and tiredness kicked in.  the cravings were there.

but michael and i arrived for our 8-week appointment, and plans changed.  there was definite growth from the last ultrasound and a baby that looked in size right where it should be.  but there was no heartbeat.  all of our excitement came crashing down.  we were brought right back to that moment of our very first pregnancy before harper when we didn't see a heartbeat at 10 weeks.  my heart broke.

i didn't want to wait it out.  i scheduled a d&c for the next day.  but due to some miscommunication about when to stop eating before surgery, the procedure was cancelled and rescheduled for the next day.  michael and i also realized there were signs on the way to the first appointment that led us to believe it wasn't supposed to happen that day.  may 1st arrived, the procedure went as well as could be expected, and we are home.  a little sad, a little heartbroken, but home with our girls.

we have two beautiful rainbows that we get to see daily.  and we have deep faith and hope that another bright, beautiful rainbow will find its way to our family very soon.  for now, we look past the rain and enjoy the sunshine and bright days ahead.

thank you to all of our friends and family for your calls, texts, e-mails, thoughts, prayers, flowers, and help.  we couldn't have done it without it all.

and thank you to my beautiful friend, jenny, of peanut butter & jenny photography for the gorgeous family photos!  

her final goldfish swim, otherwise known as tough parental decisions

today at our swim school, a difficult decision was made real.  a decision that we don't want to make as parents, when you and your child disagree on something, and you have to decide what the right path is.  whether or not you're right, or your child is right.  whether ending something is actually the right thing to do, whether it means it's truly the end or the beginning of something else.  today, harper ended swim lessons.

she officially ended lessons with maggie back in september, and moved up to rec team.  she was excited, but also tired and done.  she rarely complained, but there were a few tears here and there.  there were some nerves.  there were also smiles and laughs.  after 6 months of thursday night 7:30 pm hour-long practices, when we wouldn't get home until close to 9 pm and she'd fall into bed, already exhausted from a busy week at school, we moved her back to private lessons with maggie.  we thought it might help re-strengthen her strokes and get her endurance up and her focus back.

after almost 2 months of individual lessons though, maggie told us she's got the strokes, she has the skills, she needs the endurance of rec team.  but harper wasn't having it.  she just asked for a break.  she wanted to stop swimming.  she wants to just play in the water and be a kid.  as parents, we talked.  we rationalized.  we weighed pros and cons.  we gathered opinions.  but honestly, how can you argue with your child when she just doesn't have the heart anymore?

deep down, i want her to keep swimming.  she's really, really good.  i can see her eventually swimming for a local team or her school.  but what my heart hears is harper telling me she wants to stop.  and as a parent, these are tough decisions.  but ultimately, it's not my life that she's living.  it's hers.  and if we push her too much now, we could run the risk of her hating the sport later on and harboring ill feelings towards something we forced her to do.  and i would hate that even more.

maggie thinks she'll be back, that she'll miss it and want to swim again.  i hope so, but if it never happens, then at least we've accomplished well more than we set out to do.  she's safe in the water.  she's a strong swimmer, her best strokes are back and breast.  she has a wonderful swimming role model to help guide her should she come back to it.  and she's happy.  she's happy to have learned to swim and she's happy to be taking a break. 

and ultimately, that's the only thing we truly wish for as parents, that our children are happy.  that the choices they make and the ones we make for them lead to a lifetime of happiness.  and just for today at least, we accomplished that for harper.

our easter weekend

we just returned from a quick 4 day vacation to visit topher and teppie in virginia in their new house and to celebrate easter with my entire family.  we decided to bring our easter baskets along, just in case the easter bunny wanted to find us and fill our baskets.  the girls and i decorated eggs the day before, and awoke sunday to the egg bowl empty and the eggs and baskets hidden.  the girls were up before anyone else, so we hunted while the rest of the house was sleeping.

we celebrated easter mass at topher and teppie's church, and then spent the rest of the day doing a little of this and a little of that- hiking at a local park close to the potomac river, helping with outdoor chores, and cooking up a late-night meal.  unfortunately, nana fell as she was getting out of bed friday morning and broke her humerus bone in her arm, so she was relegated to the couch for a majority of our trip.  teppie brightened up her view with tulips, which made for a really fun photo prop.

on monday, the girls and i headed to the salon to get hair cuts with teppie.  she was able to clean up the girls' chlorine hair from their weekly swim lessons, and give them fresh, shorter cuts for spring.  they soaked up the relaxation of the salon, and all the attention that two little girls with plastic bags and heaters on their head will gather.  they were amazingly well behaved, and i am just in love with their new cuts.

over the weekend, we were also able to squeeze in a visit with our cousins and their new third baby girl at a fun, local park so the kids could run around.  and monday evening, i met up with a friend i've known through instagram for almost 2 years, and since she's a photographer, we had our entire family pictures taken.  it's funny meeting someone for the first time who you've only known through social media.  we knew so much about each other, because pictures and stories and snippets into our days for the past 2 years tell you a whole lot about a person, but it was still the first time i was "meeting" her.  we talked and talked and talked outside a coffee shop before the photo shoot, and could definitely have talked some more.

tuesday morning, we packed up and headed home.  the girls were fabulous travel companions and our trip each way took less than 8 hours.  and now we're home and getting ourself back to the rest of our spring break week, enjoying these last couple of days before hitting the home stretch of school before summer vacation.  

eggs

one annual tradition that can get very messy and can also make this mama a bit stressed and nutso, but alas, it's tradition- the dyeing of the easter eggs.  each year it does seem to get more fun, but also seems to have me giving more direction- don't crack the egg.  don't spill the dye.  watch your knee.  don't shake the dipper.  since we're on vacation in virginia for easter this year, i was also super cautious and paranoid of topher and teppie's new wood floor and kitchen counter in their home they just spent over a year renovating.  but the girls did fine and we didn't make any permanent messes.  and they seemed to enjoy it more this time, as did i.

my morning

another prompt from the challenge i'm doing this month- my morning.  our first morning on our short spring break vacation.  the girls are loving the pets- nike, the macaw, and nila and calee, the pups.